For the parent, their child always remains a child for them. They pamper their child in every possible way even when he/she is no longer a child. In this article, we will discuss many aspects of How to stop enabling your grown child.
For them it is nice and they take it as a gesture of love and care when they are doing everything for their kid all by themselves.
They want to save their child from any hardship or misery.
But in reality, they are doing no good to their grown-up kids.
In the urge of saving them from struggles and hardships, they are turning their kids into useless, scared, dependent, and weak people. They indirectly destroy the personality of their child.
Human beings are made to get tested and their life path is made a bit hilly to make them strong and independent.
Each and everything that happens in a human’s life is having some reason behind it.
So does the hardships and challenges. It is the responsibility of parents to provide their kids with moral and emotional support but they must stop enabling them physically and financially once they have grown up.
- 1 What Is Enabling Child
- 2 How To Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
- 2.1 Accept That Your Child Is Not A Child Anymore
- 2.2 Keep Yourself Calm And Don’t Let Your Worries Show Up
- 2.3 Talk Them Through Your Decision
- 2.4 Teach Your Children Using Your Failures
- 2.5 Manually Set Up Challenges For Your Child To Learn
- 2.6 Seek Help From Your Relatives Or Close Friends
- 3 Realize And Understand The Importance Of Letting Your Child Be Independent
What Is Enabling Child
What does enabling your grown child means and what are the signs?
Enabling your grown child means that
- You are providing him/her with all the basic needs that he/she should be doing by themselves by now.
- They are still living with you
- You pay for their food, rent, for other daily life necessities.
- Solve their problems for them
- Take care of their mess in the house or outside
- You put their needs and wants before your own needs and wants
- You do all their house chores
All these are examples of enabling your grown child.
How To Stop Enabling Your Grown Child
Here are some techniques that will help you in enabling you child. These are very simple and techniques.
Accept That Your Child Is Not A Child Anymore
To stop enabling your child, the first step that you need to take is to start accepting the fact that your baby is not little anymore. He/she is an adult now and it’s time to treat them as adults.
You Have To Let Them:
- Take their own decisions
- Let them make mistakes and learn from them. But it doesn’t mean that you won’t even tell them that their decision could have negative consequences as well. Always guide them through about right and wrong, positive and negative but let them take the final decision.
- Assign them duties on doing the house chores. They should know what they are supposed to do. And tell them to be responsible for it as well.
- Stop stopping them from everything you feel like. Or you can say stop controlling them.
- Don’t accept them to tell you everything that is going on in their life. Let them have some private life as well.
- Do not interfere in their personal life or their personal matters. Accept and remember that they are adults and they have all the rights to live their individual life as ever they want.
Keep Yourself Calm And Don’t Let Your Worries Show Up
When you are letting your kids go out for a long trip alone with their friends or letting them go out of the country for getting further education, you have to let them be on their own.
You have to stop asking them again and again that if they need anything or is everything fine or not.
As long as you see everything is fine and your child is happy and enjoying don’t ask such questions either show your tension on your face.
But if you have realized that he/she is going through some problem and difficulty then again you have to let them solve that problem on their own.
Let them fight through the situation. Let them learn from the sweat.
Unless or until the situation is can be controlled by putting some extra effort by your kid, let them fight by themselves.
But if the situation seems to be getting out of control from your child and you can help him/her out then go for it.
But always remember only help them when they help is actually needed. If you will help them before the end of all the power that your child had, then you will just harm your child and his/her personality.
Such behaviors will never let you, child, to face the ugly dangerous world all by him/herself.
Talk Them Through Your Decision
Talk to them. Tell them that you want them to go on their own now for their own good. This step requires patience, courage, and a little bit of resistance is also expected you’re your child. Now, this is the stage where you will tell them to help you out at home and outside as well.
- Call up a meeting with your children and talk them through your decision
- Tell them that it’s time to divide some roles and responsibilities.
- Talk to them why it is important
- How it is going to help them in their personality development
- Tell them how important it is to accept and know that adult life is different from your childhood and teenage.
- Tell them how the family dynamics are going to change from now onwards and how it will be beneficial for them.
You may face a little resistance as this kind of decision are hard to digest for both the parents and for the children as well. The change is not an easy thing to practice. So if you face any resistance then deal it with patience and politely.
Don’t force upon all the changes at once. Slowly but steadily it can be implemented. So take one step at a time but don’t stop.
Teach Your Children Using Your Failures
Remember and recall that what helped you in life and what went totally wrong for you in life. Which decisions help you learn and how hardships and failures taught you some valuable lessons of life.
Parents need to use their own life experiences and teach them to their children as well.
Not only their own experiences but also of their parents or siblings or any other stories that seem worth telling to your kids.
If you as a grown-up child had a pampered life then you can realize how hard life became when your parents left you alone in this scary world. Don’t do the same with your child.
And if we’re allowed to take your life decisions and then to own them as well then how much it helped you grow as a person and how much it taught you about the world and the people living in it. Tell your children about your hardships and how you fought through that.
Manually Set Up Challenges For Your Child To Learn
The best way to let your child grow and live on their own is to teach them about responsibilities or challenges from an early age.
Put them into little challenges and ask them to come out of it on their own, you can guide them through it but cannot solve it for them.
You can start it up with some games as well.
These practices will prepare both you and your child to face the problem all by themselves.
Remember it is not easy to get up one day and expect your child to be on his own. It is very important to lay the base for it.
Start preparing them at a young age so that the changes don’t bother them much.
You can use the motivational stories and quotes to keep them informed and to prepare them mentally for what they are going to face in life and how.
Seek Help From Your Relatives Or Close Friends
Sometimes kids don’t understand what you say to them and they become rigid and stubborn. In this case, you can seek help from those of your relatives or your friends that share a good friendly bond with your child as well.
As parents, sometimes we cannot explain something to our child because of the communication gap or because of the lack of a friendly relationship.
As we are not friendly to them so we try to impose our order on them. Which could result in rigidity and rebelliousness!
This can destroy the whole motive of discussion and can take an ugly turn.
Deal with this situation with love and affection, understanding, and explanation.
The more happily and peacefully you and your children will come to the terms the better would be the results.
So it is advised to you to seek help from someone who can be friendly with your child and with whom your child feels comfortable in sharing his/her feelings.
That friend or relative can help you and your child in reaching some terms and on taking up the decision that it’s time to live as an independent individual.
Realize And Understand The Importance Of Letting Your Child Be Independent
I have seen several families where a grown-up man MARRIED man is still seeking advice or still shares his problems with his parents.
And is still living with them not because he is feeding or taking care of them but because both father and son are earning and sharing the household responsibilities.
The main problem is not living with your parents. But being a married responsible man when you share your family problems with your mother and allow her to make decisions for you.
Sorry man your parents have failed you to turn into a man but they have turned you into a small child that will remain a child till his 50s or till the end of his life.
There is a need to understand that making your child independent and letting him take decisions for his life and his new family is very important. Let your child live his life peacefully and happily.
It is known that it is difficult to let your child on his own as some parents think their child is their personal property and forget his/her right to have an independent life.
But if you want to maintain the peace in the family then step back happily and respectfully.
“In the Middle East and in some Asian countries where children stay with their parents throughout their lives, it is difficult to expect from them to stop enabling their child.
They like to keep control of their child in their hands so they can always keep them according to their wish and wants. “
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The most important and best step is to start preparing your child to be independent of an early age. And start preparing yourself from the start that you are only there to nurture the baby, to teach him right and wrong. You cannot dictate them throughout their lives.
If parents and children understand this thing then the world would be a better and easier place to live in.